I got my birthday celebration off to a good start but have had to put it on hold for now.
My father is in the process of leaving this world, and our family are here to help make his journey easier.
That involves mostly changing his bed clothes, trying to keep him in fluids and talking to the many visitors who show up.
What a difference from a week ago. My darling daddy, the charming man of songs and smiles, is now just a tortured soul trying to break free from his shrinking, worn out body.
It’s not something to celebrate, that’s for sure. My dad is the only person left on this earth who has known me all of my life. I know I am selfish, but I’m not ready for this.
I still need him. I still need a father. I don’t want him to go.
Yet when I look at him, I know he is already gone.
Don’t leave me, daddy. That is what I keep saying in my head. But I can’t say it out loud. I can’t say all the other things I’ve wanted to say.
I still need his advice, but he is not here enough to answer.
I need to focus my energy on helping him let go. Holding back tears until he no longer needs me. Then I can cry. Then I can feel sorry for myself. For now it will be all about him and making sure his last days are as comfortable as possible.